WANTS AND NEEDS

The struggle has resurfaced between my want and need I want to be in love with you I need to be alone with me love has become so elusive I've forgotten how it feels can't remember what it looks like so ill-equipped to deal

The want blurs my sight like a mirage in the night where lust resembles love then fades away in morning light I'm exhausted of the search and drowning from within so easily pulled under by loves fraudulent twin no longer can I trust sparks of instinct that might move cause I've seen little behind your smile so in love without proof- of a beautiful mind, a golden heart I intoxicate with attraction and it's there from the start I create these illusions and play tricks on my mind re-writing the scripts romanticizing every line I need to be alone with me to look at you and know I'll see all that you are and all that your 're not then maybe this struggle will no longer be fought

I've had to make some hard choices in the past one month.

First i came out to my best friend who is straight and the worst homophobe ever. He really flipped and i had to give him time to come to term with me being gay.

Then, i resigned from my place of work. Ok for this i was kinda pushed. The boss kept changing the terms of work and everytime i requested for a letter of employment rid would become abusive and then threaten to suspend me without pay. I decided not to give her the pleasure and left with my pride intact.

I finally gathered enough courage to face my Dad since he found out i'm gay. I feared the worst but suprisingly i spent a week with him alone and it was one of the best time in my life. We talked about everything i've been facing and though he sometimes found it hard to understand or relate with me on some aspects, he is ok with most of my decisions. Yaey.

I'm feel drawn to getting into helping those in the community who are discriminated against like the CSWs, MSMs and HIV/AIDS Victims. I feel like this is what will give my life a meaning and i also can make a positive impact in people's lives.

WISH ME LUCK

Trying to catch the air

How come we always try to own what we can't have?
Why is it that we lust for all that is beyond our reach?

I ask this based on my own experience and many of others, life always seem to play hardball with our emotions and we're always helpless to do anything. It seems like i am always attracted to guys who are not in my reach. Some are in denial while some don't deserve me.
My heart is currently split between two who i may say so myself fit all that i seek for a companion. But it seems like both are accosted with some traits that are lacking. I met F late last year and from day one we were like soulmates, we connected in levels that I never thought were possible. For the first and only time I can say for sure that I was really in love, I gave to him my all and was content with life. But he kinda developed cold feet and along the way we drifted apart. I was really hurt,even wrote about it here. Funny thing is right now we are best of friends and though the feelings remains, i don't regret letting him into my life.

I later met J and though we had so much in common and i have a thing for him, i don't see us going anywhere. He's kinda conflicted thinking that he's sinning and that he will grow out of being gay.




AirPlanes - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams

ALL I WANT

With a pen and paper i'm truly blessed
For words in lines I can really express
The unspoken words I can finally address
Thoughts that I deeply suppress
Innermost secrets I can confess
With a pen and paper I can rid of my stress.

With a pen and paper I can open up and say
Of my brighter days when I'm ecstatic and gay
And my dull times when I'm lost and betrayed
Of when I shine as a clear day
And when I'm bleek and gray
Give me a pen and paper I can find my way.
Give me a pen and paper I am second to none
My words like a beacon will forever burn
With a pen and paper, friends and foes I'll earn
Friends will appreciate the fun
While foes will see only the pun
With a pen and paper I am my own man.

FINDING YOURSELF

Why let what you don't know fester and compound?
Till in your fears and insecurities you get bound,
you let yourself grow deaf to other's views and sounds,
With gloat and respite you feel superior and proud
In truth, you're a fool basking on vain grounds
Pray that you rid your brain of the dark cloud
Open your eyes to the diversity that surround
More valuable than riches in pennies and pounds.

You let your judgement into stains and bloats
Like a pawn others use you for their schemes and plots
You allow to be led like a horny billy goat
With your convictions gone, your soul is cheaply bought
But now your ship is sinking, I offer you a float
Pray you save yourself of the doomed boat
Hope you've the will to swim to the safe coast.

Many are those who'll use faith to deceive
Others use pretense of archaic beliefs
In your heart they'll sow hate and false believes
To loathe your brother for his different weave
Not caring his woes each day to survive
On your knees ashamed you should seek him to forgive.

Rid yourself of the intolerance you bear
Love you brother and hold him dear
Wipe his tears, put to rest his fears
To stand with him you solemnly swear
Being there through the jeers and smears
For being different is neither weird or queer
Letting his light shine bright in the clear.

Be ready for the journey's long
Full of dangers you need to be strong
Many are the traps, holes and sharp thorns
Pray you survive the stings and torn
And once you reach the prize to be won
We'll all break in a song "THIS IS HOW WE WERE BORN".

RAVING MYSELF TO HELL

I know, i know, it's been eons since i last wrote and i'm sorry. It's just that my life has been a rollercoaster with a million and one happenings many of the beyond my control. Anywho! That is beside the point but i promise to share about some of them soon.

Last saturday started:-> like any other day, dull and boring. I woke up late for i didn't have anything planned - just another day with me being bloke as usual. Thing changed late that afternoon when i recieved ksh 1000 via mobile money transfer. First thing i did was to get myself a :-D ka-quarter which went a long way to lighten my day. Then i got called to meet one of my former colle-mate in town for a few drinks, he was buying and i have a weakness for a night filled with fun and drinks, i was so in.

On meeting, we decided to try Tacos club first, here drinks and dancing reigned. We were joined by some gals by i needed to be wit my own so i would leave to visit the clubs balcony just to be with hunks :-P in the club. This was going okay until some bugger thought i deserve to go to hell ;-> literally.....

You have to wait for part to, sorry ;-)8

A letter to my sister; final part

Dear Sis...

And you wonder why I have
conflicts with my faith in the church
teachings and the selective hypocrisy.
Instead of your trying to know me
and my struggles to come to terms
with myself, you have already
passed judgement about me. In haste
and without considering what I'm
going through, you send me these
which is solely based on Christian
based research and is bound to be
partial. Thus biased

Please take time and with an open
mind read and research the much you
can about the subject. Put your
Christian beliefs and your underlying
perception about gayism and see me
*your brother*, who have grown
with you, celebrated and cried with
you along the way. Then, maybe then
you'll realize that I'm still the same. I
haven't changed nor will I change.

I still love you and forever will.

Kindest regards,
Your Bro