COURTING THE UNKNOWN

How you felt that you are courting danger with your actions and deeds but you go ahead and do all anyway? I am in a point in my life where I’m daring those around me to see me for me by my actions, my talks and also my day to day interactions . I am doing this without really knowing how they will react to all the skeletons they find in my closet but still I feel that I need to let them know and for them to understand who I am and that will allow me to grow and be a better person.

It all started with me closing up one of my facebook account, I had two – one straight one for family, relatives and friends, while the other one for pals who could relate with my sexuality. It had reached a point whereby the straight account became dormant because I didn’t have anything that I could relate or share on it, the other one grew so much in terms of friend lists, comments and notes to the point that I became addicted to it. The funny thing is I felt more free relating to over 400 guys I didn’t in person other than what I learned from their accounts and I opened up to them more than I did with those that know me in person. I gained a lot from them some good and some bad but still I had to separate the two due to the fear of what would happen if it all came out. The double identity started to weigh on me till I felt I had to make a decision on which of the two I had to let go. One night I made an impromptu decision and deactivated my second account and in doing so I lost my only connection to the only people that seemed to accept me for who I am.

For one month I tried to reconnect with friends from my straight account but I always ended up missing the other and having compunction for my decision. After some soul-searching I realized that I need to slowly merge the two worlds and in so doing let go of my fears of the unknown. I did this by inviting to the only active account friend from my other account and in a matter of one week I had reconnect with about 80 friends. After my action came the hard part of trying to relate with both without going overboard. Easier said than done, now I have one facebook account but without so much action but at least I have both worlds in same platform. My whole being have also become integral in my quest to align my life into one and eventually letting the world to really know me – coming out.

From my actions, I have had people reacting to what the perceive they know about me and case in point being my sister who I have reason to believe has suspicion of who I am but she hasn’t yet confronted me about the same and I sometimes hope she does though I haven’t really decided on how to handle the situation when she does. The only person who has really asked me about it is my cousin. He is more of a younger brother than a cousin and I have lived with him for some years now. He surprised me recently by telling me he knows I’m gay and that he has known it for some time but lack a way to tell me. I didn’t know how to react to him but then he said something that gave the whole situation a whole new twist. He said he’s ok with me being gay and he loves me irrespective of my sexuality. Here was me thinking that all was lost and expecting the worst only for him to give me hope for a better tomorrow and his support to face the unknown world.

So with zeal I am ready to face the future, and however bleak it may seem, it is something I have to do.