I've had to make some hard choices in the past one month.

First i came out to my best friend who is straight and the worst homophobe ever. He really flipped and i had to give him time to come to term with me being gay.

Then, i resigned from my place of work. Ok for this i was kinda pushed. The boss kept changing the terms of work and everytime i requested for a letter of employment rid would become abusive and then threaten to suspend me without pay. I decided not to give her the pleasure and left with my pride intact.

I finally gathered enough courage to face my Dad since he found out i'm gay. I feared the worst but suprisingly i spent a week with him alone and it was one of the best time in my life. We talked about everything i've been facing and though he sometimes found it hard to understand or relate with me on some aspects, he is ok with most of my decisions. Yaey.

I'm feel drawn to getting into helping those in the community who are discriminated against like the CSWs, MSMs and HIV/AIDS Victims. I feel like this is what will give my life a meaning and i also can make a positive impact in people's lives.

WISH ME LUCK

Trying to catch the air

How come we always try to own what we can't have?
Why is it that we lust for all that is beyond our reach?

I ask this based on my own experience and many of others, life always seem to play hardball with our emotions and we're always helpless to do anything. It seems like i am always attracted to guys who are not in my reach. Some are in denial while some don't deserve me.
My heart is currently split between two who i may say so myself fit all that i seek for a companion. But it seems like both are accosted with some traits that are lacking. I met F late last year and from day one we were like soulmates, we connected in levels that I never thought were possible. For the first and only time I can say for sure that I was really in love, I gave to him my all and was content with life. But he kinda developed cold feet and along the way we drifted apart. I was really hurt,even wrote about it here. Funny thing is right now we are best of friends and though the feelings remains, i don't regret letting him into my life.

I later met J and though we had so much in common and i have a thing for him, i don't see us going anywhere. He's kinda conflicted thinking that he's sinning and that he will grow out of being gay.




AirPlanes - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams

ALL I WANT

With a pen and paper i'm truly blessed
For words in lines I can really express
The unspoken words I can finally address
Thoughts that I deeply suppress
Innermost secrets I can confess
With a pen and paper I can rid of my stress.

With a pen and paper I can open up and say
Of my brighter days when I'm ecstatic and gay
And my dull times when I'm lost and betrayed
Of when I shine as a clear day
And when I'm bleek and gray
Give me a pen and paper I can find my way.
Give me a pen and paper I am second to none
My words like a beacon will forever burn
With a pen and paper, friends and foes I'll earn
Friends will appreciate the fun
While foes will see only the pun
With a pen and paper I am my own man.

FINDING YOURSELF

Why let what you don't know fester and compound?
Till in your fears and insecurities you get bound,
you let yourself grow deaf to other's views and sounds,
With gloat and respite you feel superior and proud
In truth, you're a fool basking on vain grounds
Pray that you rid your brain of the dark cloud
Open your eyes to the diversity that surround
More valuable than riches in pennies and pounds.

You let your judgement into stains and bloats
Like a pawn others use you for their schemes and plots
You allow to be led like a horny billy goat
With your convictions gone, your soul is cheaply bought
But now your ship is sinking, I offer you a float
Pray you save yourself of the doomed boat
Hope you've the will to swim to the safe coast.

Many are those who'll use faith to deceive
Others use pretense of archaic beliefs
In your heart they'll sow hate and false believes
To loathe your brother for his different weave
Not caring his woes each day to survive
On your knees ashamed you should seek him to forgive.

Rid yourself of the intolerance you bear
Love you brother and hold him dear
Wipe his tears, put to rest his fears
To stand with him you solemnly swear
Being there through the jeers and smears
For being different is neither weird or queer
Letting his light shine bright in the clear.

Be ready for the journey's long
Full of dangers you need to be strong
Many are the traps, holes and sharp thorns
Pray you survive the stings and torn
And once you reach the prize to be won
We'll all break in a song "THIS IS HOW WE WERE BORN".

RAVING MYSELF TO HELL

I know, i know, it's been eons since i last wrote and i'm sorry. It's just that my life has been a rollercoaster with a million and one happenings many of the beyond my control. Anywho! That is beside the point but i promise to share about some of them soon.

Last saturday started:-> like any other day, dull and boring. I woke up late for i didn't have anything planned - just another day with me being bloke as usual. Thing changed late that afternoon when i recieved ksh 1000 via mobile money transfer. First thing i did was to get myself a :-D ka-quarter which went a long way to lighten my day. Then i got called to meet one of my former colle-mate in town for a few drinks, he was buying and i have a weakness for a night filled with fun and drinks, i was so in.

On meeting, we decided to try Tacos club first, here drinks and dancing reigned. We were joined by some gals by i needed to be wit my own so i would leave to visit the clubs balcony just to be with hunks :-P in the club. This was going okay until some bugger thought i deserve to go to hell ;-> literally.....

You have to wait for part to, sorry ;-)8

A letter to my sister; final part

Dear Sis...

And you wonder why I have
conflicts with my faith in the church
teachings and the selective hypocrisy.
Instead of your trying to know me
and my struggles to come to terms
with myself, you have already
passed judgement about me. In haste
and without considering what I'm
going through, you send me these
which is solely based on Christian
based research and is bound to be
partial. Thus biased

Please take time and with an open
mind read and research the much you
can about the subject. Put your
Christian beliefs and your underlying
perception about gayism and see me
*your brother*, who have grown
with you, celebrated and cried with
you along the way. Then, maybe then
you'll realize that I'm still the same. I
haven't changed nor will I change.

I still love you and forever will.

Kindest regards,
Your Bro

A letter to my sister Contd

This is a continuation of my earlier post......

Hi Sis, when I started this letter, I never planned for it to be so reflective and revealing. I just wanted to vent my anger and disappointment with you. Yeah I know but it's a common human trait to use attack as a defence mechanism. I thought that would save me from having to deal with the elephant in the room - blame my literature teacher for the sad use of imagery here. I've found out that writing about the way I view you makes more sense and is kinda therapeutic.

After you cleared high school you moved to the city and I saw you less, those days mobile phones were for the affluent in the society thus I had to wait till you came visiting us upcountry and as you know those visits were rare and you never stayed for long. I always thought that the bond we shared was strong for it was able to survive the separation.

Now to the issue at hand, remember there was a day you ask me whether I was gay? That was months after I cleared high school and I had moved in with you. At the time I denied and I remember being angry with you for it. To tell the truth Sis, I had had gay thoughts but at that moment I was in denial and it was some years later that I accepted myself for who I was. I guess you always had your suspicions about me and you definately knew that I was different. I remember you always saying that I was the most caring, emotional, loving person you knew and yet that I was the most secretive also - Hello, I couldn't have been more gayer than that, well maybe a dragqueen.

You experience first hand my rebellious phase which was quite unique compared to those of my elder brothers. I remember the look you had when I pierced my ear, priceless, then came the dreadlocks, the booze, the raves and the anger(tantrums). You saw them all and you helped me through them all.

I am tearing up so I'll conclude later

A letter to my sister

Dear Sis,

I still haven't gathered courage to talk to you since that fateful day you found out that I was gay. This is partly because I am scared to death of what to say to make you understand. On the other hand, it's because I'm hurting, your words that day cut so deep and the pain they inflicted was worse than any physical pain I ever experienced.

When I was a little boy, I never got the chance to relate with you the way I would have liked to due to the fact that by the time I was joining nursery school, you joined a boarding high school. Nevertheless, we had this special bond and I remember crying my hurt out everytime you left for school. I remember waiting anxiously for your school's visiting day to spend the day with you eating chapatis - God I love them - and other delicacies mum had prepared for you. Those were special moments that I'll forever cherish.

Now the confession part,
I used to miss you so much and to fill the void, I started sneaking in to your room while others were asleep and there I felt close to you. Innocently, I would sleep in your bed while wearing one of your sweaters and I remember being at peace like you were there protecting me. Then I started noticing your inner, forgive me but I've to tell it all, I don't know what made me do it but I found those laced thongs so appealing that I had to try them on - SO GAY. I remember prefering to wear them instead of my own undies.
That was hard for me, you have to wait for part 2 later.... P.S I hate confessions

The Unwanted Me

I have grown up knowing that I was kinda different from the rest of my family but one thing was certain to me that I was and would always be loved. I may lived in fear that eventually I would have to reveal myself to them and that is a moment every person dreads.
It took me 24 years to at least come to terms with my sexuality, add to that one more year to gather enough courage to put myself to the world. Last November I came out to my cousin and that was one of the most tense moments in my life. Surprisingly I went better than I envisioned with him accepting me for who I am and pledging his life for me.
Today turned out to be the darkest and most trying in my life. I woke up to find a message from my only sister, the message went: " Found out you are gay, I don't want to even talk to you ever. You are an abomination before God and cursed to face all evil in the world. " You can't imagine the shock I was in, why did this have to happen to me? From what I gather someone on facebook ousted me for reasons best known to him.
After the initial shock faded, I wrote this to her - I'll talk to you once I'm able to digest all, it's in your discretion how to react to all. For now I ain't got more to say. Regards. - I then deactivated my facebook account and when offline on my mobile yahoo messenger, I didn't know anything else to do.
Long story short in just one day I have changed from a loving brother cared for and accepted into a hated abomination, shunned and cursed. WHY? You may ask, just for trying to be me - The Unwanted Me.

Gay Trifecta

This post was originally done by Jesse Trautmann and I found it so intriguing that I had to share:

There are three great qualities that
describe gay men, but the catch is
you can only possess two of them.
1. Good Looks
2. Intelligence
3. Emotional Stability
I have good looks (thank
god) and intelligence. I lack
emotional stability. So
true.
If you disagree with me,
and think that you're all
three- being a hot, smart,
happy person- you're
wrong because by
thinking that, you're either
stupid or delusional, therefore
emotionally unstable.
On the flip side if you think you're
ugly, stupid, and a mess-think again.
The fact that you can admit that
and keep trudging' through life means
you're more emotionally stable than
you realize.
Get it? Pick two and live with it. Try
it on your current man, your ex-
boyfriends, your friends, and
yourself. I bet you can pretty much
peg anyone in your life as any combo
of two of the above choices.

Trying ignorance

Have you ever done something in haste and ignorance only to have the same coming back and biting you where it hurts most.
I ask this from personal experience and I can clearly say that ignorance is expensive.