This poem is a follow up to the earlier post, COURTING THE UNKNOWN
So lost deep inside,
Is all that makes me.
My true identity,
Is hard to see.
To my friends and family,
I’m a different me.
I have a secret identity,
Wonder if you’ll ever see.
My thoughts and actions,
Are all that makes me,
But some things I may do,
May not describe me.
Now look inside me,
If you ever feel,
like it,
I’m no-one but me,
Never hiding my identity.
Don’t say I am hypocrisy,
Because I never showed you,
two of me.
Now please,
Look at me,
Try to see the real me.
I’m no-one but,
my real identity.
All full of beauty,
Inside me.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
COURTING THE UNKNOWN
How you felt that you are courting danger with your actions and deeds but you go ahead and do all anyway? I am in a point in my life where I’m daring those around me to see me for me by my actions, my talks and also my day to day interactions . I am doing this without really knowing how they will react to all the skeletons they find in my closet but still I feel that I need to let them know and for them to understand who I am and that will allow me to grow and be a better person.
It all started with me closing up one of my facebook account, I had two – one straight one for family, relatives and friends, while the other one for pals who could relate with my sexuality. It had reached a point whereby the straight account became dormant because I didn’t have anything that I could relate or share on it, the other one grew so much in terms of friend lists, comments and notes to the point that I became addicted to it. The funny thing is I felt more free relating to over 400 guys I didn’t in person other than what I learned from their accounts and I opened up to them more than I did with those that know me in person. I gained a lot from them some good and some bad but still I had to separate the two due to the fear of what would happen if it all came out. The double identity started to weigh on me till I felt I had to make a decision on which of the two I had to let go. One night I made an impromptu decision and deactivated my second account and in doing so I lost my only connection to the only people that seemed to accept me for who I am.
For one month I tried to reconnect with friends from my straight account but I always ended up missing the other and having compunction for my decision. After some soul-searching I realized that I need to slowly merge the two worlds and in so doing let go of my fears of the unknown. I did this by inviting to the only active account friend from my other account and in a matter of one week I had reconnect with about 80 friends. After my action came the hard part of trying to relate with both without going overboard. Easier said than done, now I have one facebook account but without so much action but at least I have both worlds in same platform. My whole being have also become integral in my quest to align my life into one and eventually letting the world to really know me – coming out.
From my actions, I have had people reacting to what the perceive they know about me and case in point being my sister who I have reason to believe has suspicion of who I am but she hasn’t yet confronted me about the same and I sometimes hope she does though I haven’t really decided on how to handle the situation when she does. The only person who has really asked me about it is my cousin. He is more of a younger brother than a cousin and I have lived with him for some years now. He surprised me recently by telling me he knows I’m gay and that he has known it for some time but lack a way to tell me. I didn’t know how to react to him but then he said something that gave the whole situation a whole new twist. He said he’s ok with me being gay and he loves me irrespective of my sexuality. Here was me thinking that all was lost and expecting the worst only for him to give me hope for a better tomorrow and his support to face the unknown world.
So with zeal I am ready to face the future, and however bleak it may seem, it is something I have to do.
It all started with me closing up one of my facebook account, I had two – one straight one for family, relatives and friends, while the other one for pals who could relate with my sexuality. It had reached a point whereby the straight account became dormant because I didn’t have anything that I could relate or share on it, the other one grew so much in terms of friend lists, comments and notes to the point that I became addicted to it. The funny thing is I felt more free relating to over 400 guys I didn’t in person other than what I learned from their accounts and I opened up to them more than I did with those that know me in person. I gained a lot from them some good and some bad but still I had to separate the two due to the fear of what would happen if it all came out. The double identity started to weigh on me till I felt I had to make a decision on which of the two I had to let go. One night I made an impromptu decision and deactivated my second account and in doing so I lost my only connection to the only people that seemed to accept me for who I am.
For one month I tried to reconnect with friends from my straight account but I always ended up missing the other and having compunction for my decision. After some soul-searching I realized that I need to slowly merge the two worlds and in so doing let go of my fears of the unknown. I did this by inviting to the only active account friend from my other account and in a matter of one week I had reconnect with about 80 friends. After my action came the hard part of trying to relate with both without going overboard. Easier said than done, now I have one facebook account but without so much action but at least I have both worlds in same platform. My whole being have also become integral in my quest to align my life into one and eventually letting the world to really know me – coming out.
From my actions, I have had people reacting to what the perceive they know about me and case in point being my sister who I have reason to believe has suspicion of who I am but she hasn’t yet confronted me about the same and I sometimes hope she does though I haven’t really decided on how to handle the situation when she does. The only person who has really asked me about it is my cousin. He is more of a younger brother than a cousin and I have lived with him for some years now. He surprised me recently by telling me he knows I’m gay and that he has known it for some time but lack a way to tell me. I didn’t know how to react to him but then he said something that gave the whole situation a whole new twist. He said he’s ok with me being gay and he loves me irrespective of my sexuality. Here was me thinking that all was lost and expecting the worst only for him to give me hope for a better tomorrow and his support to face the unknown world.
So with zeal I am ready to face the future, and however bleak it may seem, it is something I have to do.
Monday, November 15, 2010
WHO AM I?
Do we really know who we are and what drives us? I have thought of this question for sometimes now and I can say for sure I’m at a loss about a definite answer.
I was born to a conservative, simple and religious family. Being the born of the family, I was brought up under the shadows of older siblings and was expected to emulate them in their actions. I have lived my life with the pressure of being expected to be like so and so and not to be like so and so. All my achievements and failures were measured in comparison to my siblings and in so doing robbing me of what would have defined me as an individual. I sometimes wish I rebelled and did what I wanted but that wasn’t in the equation at that time. Picture this, from my primary school days, I was under pressure to lead in my class, number one was the only acceptable option in all my exams. The reason being my elder brother was too. For my high school education, I was admitted in a provincial school that though it was good, it wasn’t my choice; my brother was admitted in the same school two years earlier and thus I was expected to follow his footsteps. When I was first caught drunk, I was reprimanded not because drinking was bad, hell everyone in the family did it, and the reasoning behind my woes was that I was too young and my brothers waited until they were 18 years to do it, I was 16 at the time. The list goes on to include my sex life, mode of dressing, friends and almost everything I did.
Now to the issue at hand, what does all this have to do with who I am today? And the answer to this question is everything. With this I mean I was molded to become like my elder siblings and not to be me. My parents did this not with malice or ill motives but because they thought it was the right thing to do and thus I don’t hold it against them. I love them and would do anything to please them and also my sibling. It was the sacrifice that though I knew would affect me later, I willingly took it and with not regret I did all that was expected of me.
Now the independent me has come to terms with the facts that I really don’t know who I am and what I want in life. With this realization I’ve been in the path of rediscovering myself and for the last few months I believe I have made considerable progress concerning many aspects of my life. On a positive note, I have realized that my life could have been worse if I had the kind of freedoms I yearned for, lets be honest, I could be naughty given the chance and if it were not for the “spare the rod, spoil the child” stance that my parents had, there isn’t anything I could not have done. I owe my moral uprightness to my parent and I can’t change anything about that, maybe try to be an even better person. I also learned to be responsible and caring to the plights of other people, this sometimes feels like a big weight on my shoulder in cases where I will give to others especially family all that I got in terms of time, finance and my entire being and leave myself with nothing and all I get from doing all this is a compilation of more responsibilities and high expectations of what I should offer them next. But despite the lack of any positive return for my efforts, it feels nice knowing that I made a different in somebody’s life and whether or not the person acknowledge that is of no importance to me.
I have lived my life trying to please other people so much that I forgot that I had my life to live and me to please. Those who really knew me can attest to this fact and though I try to front a “I don’t care” face with some of my actions, I always find myself bending to the demands of others. I have realized that I got one life to live and thus I should live my life for me, myself and put my needs first before I do those for other people. I should do what pleases and fulfills me and not what pleases the society and that I shouldn’t apologize for it. I’ve also realized that I should not be judged for mistakes done by others and that in my life I will make mistakes, but they are mine to make and learn from them, I am not perfect nor do I try to be. So to all those trying to make perfection out of me, you have your lives to live and I got mine too. Let me be.
The final issue I am going to tackle is about love and acceptance, having grew up not knowing who I really am, I have had this feeling that I have to please everyone for them to acknowledge me leave alone accept me. You have no idea how hard it is to live your life feeling worthless and unacceptable. About love, I always had the love of my family but I always had the fear that should I do something against their expectations, it could be taken away from me. I still do have this feeling sometimes but at least I’ve it under control and incase it comes to be, I believe I can live with it. I’m still skeptical whether the other kind of love exists in the world. Just recently I had somebody who gave me the reason to believe that it exists and after falling hard and putting my entire being to make it work, I got wounded so much that I even lost the will to leave. The pain was worse than physical pain; I became numb and withdrawn to everything in my life. Now I am cautious about putting myself in such situation again and as for love, I really don’t know.
FRIENDS AND ACQUINTANCES
How do I start these? It being my first attempt of me doing serious blogging, I’m at a loss whether or not I can be able to hack it and also maintain it’s relevance till end point. I have had so many issues that I consider important and those I can relate to in terms of where I am currently and where I want to be in the future. Some are personal and tend to focus on who I am as a person, my friends and day to day acquaintances and my social life. These issues tend to say much about me and thus tend to guard them fiercely and will only allow the very few who are chosen. I tend to be a very private person and I only open up to those who I really trust and I have confidence in their discretion and to tell the truth they aren’t many on that list. Some of those I even consider to be my friends have acceptance and prejudicial issues and thus I really can’t open up to them.
What does the above have to do with what I’m trying to pass through this article? Well all I am trying to say is we really need to be able to differentiate between all those we relate with in our day to day undertakings and be able to comfortably handle the in the orders they follow. We have childhood friends who we grew up together, went to school with, who are like brothers to us and will be there to give an account of your life when all is said and done. You feel free to share all you have with them, with them you are the real you because they know where you come from, and all that you did, have seen you in your most revealing moments – hell, you jerked off together when you were little or even went skin deeping in the river.
Then when school, mostly high school and college, another group of friends comes into play, the school buddies who in essence constitute acquaintances of the time you are trying to discover who you really are and what you want in life. This are the fun times, when you go all out and break all guarding walls trying to restrain you and your targets. Buddies will be there in all your bar fights without them blaming you for having started the fights. They will take blows and punches by your side and in doing so cementing something that may last a lifetime. For me I’ve very few of this group left in my life because if by any chance you life priorities differ, you tend to drift apart and at long last what you thought you shared fades into the oblivion.
On the same note there are those you get acquainted due to your faiths and beliefs. These are your fellow church friends who share your beliefs and convictions about life and thus you are drawn together by the same. Also friends brought about by your profession and career fall in this category. These groups of people, in my opinion are more of acquaintances and that the name friend is misused in reference to them because they got nothing more to offer apart from the faith and work issues.
The other group of people I’m going to tackle are the virtual friends. They consist of all those you interact with over the web and even over the phones. In some cases you maybe friends in real life while at other times you may have no idea of who they really are apart from the bits and pieces you’ve seen or heard about them over time. Virtual friends makes up a complex , intricate and intriguing group of people and to really say that one fully understands them is like trying to convince people that Jesus was black, now that’s a challenge I most definitely won’t take on no matter what. From my own personal experience, I’ve had virtual friend from social networks – Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Yahoo, Tagged and Google. From what I know, Facebookers are the most active and intriguing group of virtual friends currently with everyone even our conservative parents being taken over by the facebook fever. Facebookers comes in all manner of characters and attributes and from their sheer numbers, one is assured to get the person with the attribute that best suits one’s needs or so it may seem. What one needs to understand is that one shouldn’t believe all that you see in these social networks and people tend to spice up their accounts to make their lives interesting and more appealing to the rest. Yahoo and Google (gmail) tend to be the most conservative of the social networks despite the fact that they have been in operation longer than the rest. Titter is the new kid in the block and has taken virtual friendship to new heights and also has revolutionized how virtual friendship works in that with others, one has to basically make a request to his targeted friend so as to connect but on twitter this is not necessarily the case whereby instead of us connecting, one follows his targeted friend and this can be done to anybody including international acclaimed people. Don’t ask me how tagged work coz I really have no idea which demography of people they target but that is beside the point.
The kind of people one may meet in the social networks varies, you may be lucky to find some good souls, people who you feel connected to even though you have never met them in person. These are the kind you share the same beliefs in life and thus the connection. Then there are those who are there for personal interests and don’t care whether or not you have anything to offer. The ones who one should be wary of consist of those weirdoes whose intentions are to cause trouble. They will pretend to care so that you open up to them but all they are after are details to spoil your name and in the process hurt you.
So I guess it all comes down to knowing who you consider to be your friend and the reasons behind that, and those who are just acquaintances
What does the above have to do with what I’m trying to pass through this article? Well all I am trying to say is we really need to be able to differentiate between all those we relate with in our day to day undertakings and be able to comfortably handle the in the orders they follow. We have childhood friends who we grew up together, went to school with, who are like brothers to us and will be there to give an account of your life when all is said and done. You feel free to share all you have with them, with them you are the real you because they know where you come from, and all that you did, have seen you in your most revealing moments – hell, you jerked off together when you were little or even went skin deeping in the river.
Then when school, mostly high school and college, another group of friends comes into play, the school buddies who in essence constitute acquaintances of the time you are trying to discover who you really are and what you want in life. This are the fun times, when you go all out and break all guarding walls trying to restrain you and your targets. Buddies will be there in all your bar fights without them blaming you for having started the fights. They will take blows and punches by your side and in doing so cementing something that may last a lifetime. For me I’ve very few of this group left in my life because if by any chance you life priorities differ, you tend to drift apart and at long last what you thought you shared fades into the oblivion.
On the same note there are those you get acquainted due to your faiths and beliefs. These are your fellow church friends who share your beliefs and convictions about life and thus you are drawn together by the same. Also friends brought about by your profession and career fall in this category. These groups of people, in my opinion are more of acquaintances and that the name friend is misused in reference to them because they got nothing more to offer apart from the faith and work issues.
The other group of people I’m going to tackle are the virtual friends. They consist of all those you interact with over the web and even over the phones. In some cases you maybe friends in real life while at other times you may have no idea of who they really are apart from the bits and pieces you’ve seen or heard about them over time. Virtual friends makes up a complex , intricate and intriguing group of people and to really say that one fully understands them is like trying to convince people that Jesus was black, now that’s a challenge I most definitely won’t take on no matter what. From my own personal experience, I’ve had virtual friend from social networks – Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Yahoo, Tagged and Google. From what I know, Facebookers are the most active and intriguing group of virtual friends currently with everyone even our conservative parents being taken over by the facebook fever. Facebookers comes in all manner of characters and attributes and from their sheer numbers, one is assured to get the person with the attribute that best suits one’s needs or so it may seem. What one needs to understand is that one shouldn’t believe all that you see in these social networks and people tend to spice up their accounts to make their lives interesting and more appealing to the rest. Yahoo and Google (gmail) tend to be the most conservative of the social networks despite the fact that they have been in operation longer than the rest. Titter is the new kid in the block and has taken virtual friendship to new heights and also has revolutionized how virtual friendship works in that with others, one has to basically make a request to his targeted friend so as to connect but on twitter this is not necessarily the case whereby instead of us connecting, one follows his targeted friend and this can be done to anybody including international acclaimed people. Don’t ask me how tagged work coz I really have no idea which demography of people they target but that is beside the point.
The kind of people one may meet in the social networks varies, you may be lucky to find some good souls, people who you feel connected to even though you have never met them in person. These are the kind you share the same beliefs in life and thus the connection. Then there are those who are there for personal interests and don’t care whether or not you have anything to offer. The ones who one should be wary of consist of those weirdoes whose intentions are to cause trouble. They will pretend to care so that you open up to them but all they are after are details to spoil your name and in the process hurt you.
So I guess it all comes down to knowing who you consider to be your friend and the reasons behind that, and those who are just acquaintances
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I'M HURTING
My inexperience may cost me the best,
such a long journey, such a strenuous quest,
all of my life i'd been searching for love,
and you seemed like a blessing, a gift from above,
without meaning to i hurt you.
I pray you'll forgive me, if not all is lost,
why did it all end in ruins? Was it to be all for not?
He's the one thing i wanted, the one thing i need,
and i pushed him away, his efforts i ignored,
but in the end i'm hurting for him.
How i wish i never allowed myself to feel,
never should my heart let him in,
coz the pain of loss cut straight to the bone,
now i'm struggling to get over him, my days so dull, feel more dead than alive,
but i still embrace the pain,
for it belongs to me to feel and through it learn.
ME
I'm the judge, i'm the jury. So let me my decisions make, my actions are mine so do. For it's me who will consequences face, what's good and bad me decide.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
LIKE AIR
I lost something.
A very important part of me.
The worst part is that I probably never had it.
He came into my life a cool breeze.
Everyone knows that you can't catch air.
But I'm a fool and yes I tried.
And just when I thought I had him,
he slipped right through my fingers.
Like Air.
If I close my eyes, I can still feel his arms around me.
Grabbing his hand and pointing at Orion.
Feel his breath on my neck, his body calming my cold shivers.
I replay that moment every time I blink.
I felt him open his.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt safe.
Every fear that I had .
Every insecurity vanished when he told me that he loved me.
So soft. So low. So gentle. So real.
The moment magnified, I could hear the fish swim in the river below.
I could see the fragment of glass on the moon and everything went silent.
So quiet that you could hear my breathless response.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to reach up and slap God high five.
But then like air- it disappeared.
His breathing got heavy.
I saw flickers in his eyes and within a couple of seconds my world came crashing down.
His indifference cut me like shrapnel.
And even though his thoughts hadn't become actions,
I couldn't help but feel like I had lost him.
It hurt so bad. So bad. He turned the tables on me with his sexy swiftness.
Made me feel as though I had committed the ultimate crime.
And what did I do? I let him. He made my eyes melt. Made my ears bleed.
Made my heart ache. And just like a cool sudden breeze- he was gone.
He removed a pebble from my foundation and collapsed the greatest pyramid in Egypt.
And after the dust cleared, and the air had returned to it's resting stage.
I was left in ruins. Like air- I was gone.
A very important part of me.
The worst part is that I probably never had it.
He came into my life a cool breeze.
Everyone knows that you can't catch air.
But I'm a fool and yes I tried.
And just when I thought I had him,
he slipped right through my fingers.
Like Air.
If I close my eyes, I can still feel his arms around me.
Grabbing his hand and pointing at Orion.
Feel his breath on my neck, his body calming my cold shivers.
I replay that moment every time I blink.
I felt him open his.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt safe.
Every fear that I had .
Every insecurity vanished when he told me that he loved me.
So soft. So low. So gentle. So real.
The moment magnified, I could hear the fish swim in the river below.
I could see the fragment of glass on the moon and everything went silent.
So quiet that you could hear my breathless response.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to reach up and slap God high five.
But then like air- it disappeared.
His breathing got heavy.
I saw flickers in his eyes and within a couple of seconds my world came crashing down.
His indifference cut me like shrapnel.
And even though his thoughts hadn't become actions,
I couldn't help but feel like I had lost him.
It hurt so bad. So bad. He turned the tables on me with his sexy swiftness.
Made me feel as though I had committed the ultimate crime.
And what did I do? I let him. He made my eyes melt. Made my ears bleed.
Made my heart ache. And just like a cool sudden breeze- he was gone.
He removed a pebble from my foundation and collapsed the greatest pyramid in Egypt.
And after the dust cleared, and the air had returned to it's resting stage.
I was left in ruins. Like air- I was gone.
Friday, July 16, 2010
THE WAY I FEEL
Enchants me like a bird’s morning song
I cannot hear the words, but what they say
hangs softly on the hills where I must go
when I look deep into your eyes
Hazel and dreamy, I get lost in them
to be able to spend time with you
Friday, July 9, 2010
I AIN'T GONNA HIDE NO MORE
Hiding, I’m hiding who I am
Hidden beneath a stereotype
Teenage boy
Meant to like girls
Born to like girls
But I’ve tried
And that doesn’t work
I’m scared
I’ll be judged
I’ll be criticised
To scared to open up to anyone
In case they leave
All I want is to be accepted
Not to be ostracized
I’m scared
I’ll be judged
I’ll be criticised
I’m not who people think I am
But I just want to be loved
Not by a woman
By the people I yearn to love
I want them to love me
But I’m scared
I’ll be judged
I’ll be criticised
I don’t judge
I don’t criticise
So don’t judge or criticise me
I’m different…
Get over it!
Hidden beneath a stereotype
Teenage boy
Meant to like girls
Born to like girls
But I’ve tried
And that doesn’t work
I’m scared
I’ll be judged
I’ll be criticised
To scared to open up to anyone
In case they leave
All I want is to be accepted
Not to be ostracized
I’m scared
I’ll be judged
I’ll be criticised
I’m not who people think I am
But I just want to be loved
Not by a woman
By the people I yearn to love
I want them to love me
But I’m scared
I’ll be judged
I’ll be criticised
I don’t judge
I don’t criticise
So don’t judge or criticise me
I’m different…
Get over it!
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