WANTS AND NEEDS

The struggle has resurfaced between my want and need I want to be in love with you I need to be alone with me love has become so elusive I've forgotten how it feels can't remember what it looks like so ill-equipped to deal

The want blurs my sight like a mirage in the night where lust resembles love then fades away in morning light I'm exhausted of the search and drowning from within so easily pulled under by loves fraudulent twin no longer can I trust sparks of instinct that might move cause I've seen little behind your smile so in love without proof- of a beautiful mind, a golden heart I intoxicate with attraction and it's there from the start I create these illusions and play tricks on my mind re-writing the scripts romanticizing every line I need to be alone with me to look at you and know I'll see all that you are and all that your 're not then maybe this struggle will no longer be fought

FINDING YOURSELF

Why let what you don't know fester and compound?
Till in your fears and insecurities you get bound,
you let yourself grow deaf to other's views and sounds,
With gloat and respite you feel superior and proud
In truth, you're a fool basking on vain grounds
Pray that you rid your brain of the dark cloud
Open your eyes to the diversity that surround
More valuable than riches in pennies and pounds.

You let your judgement into stains and bloats
Like a pawn others use you for their schemes and plots
You allow to be led like a horny billy goat
With your convictions gone, your soul is cheaply bought
But now your ship is sinking, I offer you a float
Pray you save yourself of the doomed boat
Hope you've the will to swim to the safe coast.

Many are those who'll use faith to deceive
Others use pretense of archaic beliefs
In your heart they'll sow hate and false believes
To loathe your brother for his different weave
Not caring his woes each day to survive
On your knees ashamed you should seek him to forgive.

Rid yourself of the intolerance you bear
Love you brother and hold him dear
Wipe his tears, put to rest his fears
To stand with him you solemnly swear
Being there through the jeers and smears
For being different is neither weird or queer
Letting his light shine bright in the clear.

Be ready for the journey's long
Full of dangers you need to be strong
Many are the traps, holes and sharp thorns
Pray you survive the stings and torn
And once you reach the prize to be won
We'll all break in a song "THIS IS HOW WE WERE BORN".

A letter to my sister; final part

Dear Sis...

And you wonder why I have
conflicts with my faith in the church
teachings and the selective hypocrisy.
Instead of your trying to know me
and my struggles to come to terms
with myself, you have already
passed judgement about me. In haste
and without considering what I'm
going through, you send me these
which is solely based on Christian
based research and is bound to be
partial. Thus biased

Please take time and with an open
mind read and research the much you
can about the subject. Put your
Christian beliefs and your underlying
perception about gayism and see me
*your brother*, who have grown
with you, celebrated and cried with
you along the way. Then, maybe then
you'll realize that I'm still the same. I
haven't changed nor will I change.

I still love you and forever will.

Kindest regards,
Your Bro

A letter to my sister

Dear Sis,

I still haven't gathered courage to talk to you since that fateful day you found out that I was gay. This is partly because I am scared to death of what to say to make you understand. On the other hand, it's because I'm hurting, your words that day cut so deep and the pain they inflicted was worse than any physical pain I ever experienced.

When I was a little boy, I never got the chance to relate with you the way I would have liked to due to the fact that by the time I was joining nursery school, you joined a boarding high school. Nevertheless, we had this special bond and I remember crying my hurt out everytime you left for school. I remember waiting anxiously for your school's visiting day to spend the day with you eating chapatis - God I love them - and other delicacies mum had prepared for you. Those were special moments that I'll forever cherish.

Now the confession part,
I used to miss you so much and to fill the void, I started sneaking in to your room while others were asleep and there I felt close to you. Innocently, I would sleep in your bed while wearing one of your sweaters and I remember being at peace like you were there protecting me. Then I started noticing your inner, forgive me but I've to tell it all, I don't know what made me do it but I found those laced thongs so appealing that I had to try them on - SO GAY. I remember prefering to wear them instead of my own undies.
That was hard for me, you have to wait for part 2 later.... P.S I hate confessions

The Unwanted Me

I have grown up knowing that I was kinda different from the rest of my family but one thing was certain to me that I was and would always be loved. I may lived in fear that eventually I would have to reveal myself to them and that is a moment every person dreads.
It took me 24 years to at least come to terms with my sexuality, add to that one more year to gather enough courage to put myself to the world. Last November I came out to my cousin and that was one of the most tense moments in my life. Surprisingly I went better than I envisioned with him accepting me for who I am and pledging his life for me.
Today turned out to be the darkest and most trying in my life. I woke up to find a message from my only sister, the message went: " Found out you are gay, I don't want to even talk to you ever. You are an abomination before God and cursed to face all evil in the world. " You can't imagine the shock I was in, why did this have to happen to me? From what I gather someone on facebook ousted me for reasons best known to him.
After the initial shock faded, I wrote this to her - I'll talk to you once I'm able to digest all, it's in your discretion how to react to all. For now I ain't got more to say. Regards. - I then deactivated my facebook account and when offline on my mobile yahoo messenger, I didn't know anything else to do.
Long story short in just one day I have changed from a loving brother cared for and accepted into a hated abomination, shunned and cursed. WHY? You may ask, just for trying to be me - The Unwanted Me.

I'M HURTING

My inexperience may cost me the best,
such a long journey, such a strenuous quest,
all of my life i'd been searching for love,
and you seemed like a blessing, a gift from above,
without meaning to i hurt you.

I pray you'll forgive me, if not all is lost,
why did it all end in ruins? Was it to be all for not?
He's the one thing i wanted, the one thing i need,
and i pushed him away, his efforts i ignored,
but in the end i'm hurting for him.

How i wish i never allowed myself to feel,
never should my heart let him in,
coz the pain of loss cut straight to the bone,
now i'm struggling to get over him, my days so dull, feel more dead than alive,
but i still embrace the pain,
for it belongs to me to feel and through it learn.